A Promise From Heaven

I’m going here. I need to be there. I am in a hurry. I need to move ahead.
I say to myself “hinay-hinay,” “σιγά-σιγά,” slow down.
I am caught in a centrifuge constantly spinning, stopping for a moment,
but only to start all over again.

I have been remiss of those that have much meaning.
  I know it shouldn't be this way.
I am not this kind of person,
Trust me, trust me, trust me.

I pray for God to help, to change this situation,
I pray that He holds me by my shoulder and say,
“I am here, at all times.”
“This is my promise.”

 

My Inner Thoughts

Life's Challenges:

Despite all the pill-popping, bathroom trips, and leg and muscle cramps, 

I am just grateful to still enjoy every day’s gifts: of life, of family and friends, and of being able to witness God's greatness. Besides, comparing my illnesses with St. Porphyrios, mine are nothing.

Often times, we are so bogged down by the busy lifestyle that we forget the true essence of love:

1. an expression of love

2. a loving gesture

3. a forgiving attitude 

Discernment and struggle are necessary to distinguish between good and apparently good.

God in my Life and my Role :

I know You are near.

 

Plasma in the Sky: A spectacular phenomenon to prove that God is in our midst.

Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

Why can't we be like the birds that sing praises to God unceasingly?

Discovering the beauty of God's creation is an exercise we can do everyday.
It's so inspiring.

Experiences:  

Everyday, I find some things that take my breath away. I call them my W.o.W.s (World of Wonder) 

Knowing and having Christ in my life is a wonderful experience.
As a high school friend described, "The feeling is so great. It's like bursting inside." 

Over the past couple of days, I was able to capture the beauty of floral colors. They speak of simplicity, contentment, and eagerness to share and give.
Likewise, the magnificence of the tree calls my attention. It shows strength, character, patience, and resiliency.

Every person I meet and any situation I'm in is an opportunity to witness God's presence in my life.

On Prayers:

When God answers our prayers, He does it in a gentle and loving way.  

When God answers prayers, Yes, He does in a powerful way.

We need to pray for each other.

Giving thanks for My Embracing Children Camp Retreat this year.
I've learned so much! It’s heaven on earth.

Love at a Different Level

There's not a single day that you would not call to tell me about your day, There's not a single day that you wouldn't ask about what I think, how I feel. There' s not a single day that you wouldn't do the small little things...that in reality, are huge favors granted.  

It's not about the roses or the box of sugar treats. 

It's about the way you speak the unspoken words, for us to only keep. 

It's about the firm embrace that we need the most in good times, in the not so good ones.

It's about the care and our commitment...to love.  

Our love is our guide. Our Faith, with God on our side will always help us, as we weather the storms, the challenges. Our confidence in each other will continue to help us face the dragons 

Our triumphs, we shall exult.

We shall offer them back to the Lord.  

Your love is a ray of sunshine that always warms my heart. 

My love that I humbly give to you and yours that you give to me, let us continue to kindle them.  

The love that we had in the beginning is here to stay, stronger, purer, and more meaningful... 

In another form... Agape.

A Life Changing Experience; a Journey Strengthened by Faith and Prayer

Saturday, February 1, 2014
I felt a lump on my left breast. It was at the 12 o'clock position. It was round,well- delineated, had a consistency, and size of a Skittle candy. Was it just part of the muscle? Should I do something about it? Should I worry? Should I...? These were the nagging questions.

February 3, 2014
I decided to call my primary physician.  

           "I felt a lump on my left breast."

The appointment was scheduled.

February 6, 2014
I left school before the end of the day. I did not have a last period class. I also did not have afternoon bus duty. I drove to Fitchburg which was an hour away, to see my doctor of almost 17 years. Along the way, I prayed the Jesus Prayer, unceasingly.
          "O Lord, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner." 
I prayed for it to be something simple. Having the medical background though, I knew the protocol. The doctor would send me for diagnostic tests, which would include a biopsy.

Dr. Dombek confirmed what I already knew. He was optimistic that it would be “nothing.” He said that we needed the specialist to look at it. Before I left the doctor's office, an appointment for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound was set for February 10th. At that point, reality hit me. I had a lump. I was going for tests to see what it was. I was hoping, though, that it would be simple and benign. On my way home, I called Costa. He was confident that it would be simple. I felt so relaxed because of his reassuring words.

          “I love you. We are in this together. You will be alright.”

We decided not to let Marianne and Barbara know just yet. It was still too premature. We did not want to alarm them. I also called my spiritual father who assured me of his prayers. He told me to constantly pray the Jesus Prayer. He told me that even if we are close to God, there will still be challenges and trials that will come our way.

          “God is good.”

I remained calm knowing that God is good and things will be alright. I will be alright.

February 10, 2014
I left school, early again, to go for the diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. I was calm, thanks to  loved ones who were praying for me. 

It felt so surreal to write “lump on left breast” as the reason for having the tests. I prayed the Jesus Prayer, with tears in my eyes, yet with a feeling of peace... of calmness.
I was called to the mammogram room. After the procedure, I asked if I could see my films. I’ve been away from the medical field but I was confident that I could see the lump, if it were there. I could not see anything that looked suspicious. I was told to wait. After five minutes, the ultrasound technician called me. She was very kind, considerate, and gentle. She told me everything that was going on. She asked where I felt the lump. I guess, she could not find it, hence the question. I told her exactly where it was. I knew she found it because I saw it on the screen. At the same time I also heard the clicking of the instrument that showed how big the lump was. When she was done, she called the diagnostic radiologist. Once again, he looked around to see where it was. He was done in ten minutes. I waited. I knew he was going to confirm the presence of the lump. He told me the approximate measurement of the lump- about 0.7 centimeters in diameter. Without any qualms, he said that he was going to do a clip biopsy. I asked when, thinking it would be for another day.

          “In about 15 minutes,” he replied

          I said. “Alright.”

I called Costa and he listened to me for a short while. He was at a patient’s house providing physical therapy. I called my spiritual father for strength. I prayed and I stayed calm. I waited until the technician called me again for the clip biopsy. She looked at me in a very gentle way. She held my hand for the whole time that the biopsy was done. The doctor said that the specimen will be sent for biopsy. He told me to send him an email that Thursday to remind him to get the results. He said that if there were anything more (about the pathology), he will send the result to my primary care physician.  Before I left, the ultrasound technician  gave me a hug.

          “I will pray for you, she uttered.               

          “And I, you.”

February 12, 2014
I sent the diagnostic radiologist an email to remind him of the biopsy result. In less that five minutes, he answered my email. The sentence that stood out was: I sent Dr. Dombek the pathology reports.
I called Dr. Dombek and made an appointment for the afternoon.
My co-workers took me home. Peggy drove my car while Lauren followed behind so that they could back to school. 

Marianne was home and I had to assure her that I was not let go from work. I told her to sit down and explained why I did not tell her and Barbara of what was going on. I did not want to have them worry about the unknown.

Marianne was very brave and supportive. She gave me a hug and assured me that we will fight this battle together.

Dr. Dombek entered the room and I could see that he was not looking forward to telling me about the cancerous tumor. You see, he has been Costa and my physician since 1997 (seventeen years) Could he have felt bad knowing that he stirred away from thinking the worse? 

I asked where I should have the procedure done: Boston or Worcester? He told me that first thing to be done is to get the lump out for staging.
          "That is pretty easy to do. When the stage has been determined, then  you can decide where to get cancer treatment."

While I was waiting for the secretary to make an appointment for a breast oncology surgeon at UMass  Memorial in Worcester, I called Peggy to give them an update of what was going on.

I let out a hysterical laugh when she said, " The kids (students) think you're pregnant because you were crying and you went home sick."

An appointment was made for Friday, the 14th at 12 noon with Dr. Larkin.

February 13, 2014
I thank God for a Snow Day!

February 14, 2014
It felt so surreal! I cannot believe that I am actually going to the oncology center as a patient. Marianne and Costa went with me. I don't know how many Jesus Prayers I have said but I just kept on going. I also brought my crochet project that I was doing and a book I was reading, Wounded by Love.

The staff was wonderful. Dr. Larkin was exceptional! Right from the very start I felt confident in her skill and her abilities to communicate and assure the patient and the family. She laid out an outline of what the whole process entails.
        " If it is estrogen positive and HERS 2 negative..."
        " ...lumpectomy. with sentinel node biopsy..."
        " ...oncotype if nodes are positive..."
        " mastectomy...chemotherapy...Tamoxifen..."

just a blurb of word and explanations. I thank God, Costa and Marianne were there to understand all the information for me.

I wanted to tell Barbara but I knew she would be devastated. She would definitely want to go home. I did not want to ruin her planned evening with Joe, her boyfriend. 

I ended up telling her that night, after I told my mom about it. Of course, Barbara wanted to come home. I told Barbara that she needs to pray for me so that I would remain positive throughout the whole process.

I felt so bad for the pain that I caused my mom. I couldn't bear to hear her cry, and in order to keep her calm, I tried to make her laugh. When she called me on Face Time and she cried. I threatened her that I will take pictures (of her) and post it on FaceBook. 

February 17- 21, 2014-- Winter Vacation 

February 19, 2014
From 9:00 AM to 12 Noon, I met with the team of doctors- medical oncologist who discussed the medications after radiation. The radiation oncologist discussed everything about radiation, its benefits, and side effects. He mentioned that with my case, radiation will  most likely be the first round of treatments, after surgery.

Next was the surgical oncologist outlined the surgery that was going to be done. She compared my tumor to a very lazy person who did not want to do anything but sit in one place. In plain language, she said, the prognosis is good. It most likely did not go anywhere else but we have to be absolutely certain, hence, the sentinel biopsy.

The last member of the oncology team was the psychologist who asked several questions about my outlook of like, my support system, and how I felt about the whole ordeal.
My support system is great. Since I live my life with much trust in the Lord, I have many people praying for me. How do I feel about the cancer? It's there, let's do what needs to be done. My family is very supportive. We went home after; it was a very tiring day.

February 21, 2014
Pre-Surgical Tests in the morning. Costa drove me to the outpatient surgical clinic. I had a dose of reality set in when I heard that I was going under general anaesthesia. I don't know why, but it scared me a little bit.

February 22, 2014
and spring shall follow winter...
but not quite yet.
So I look at the scene around me-
What a glorious and gorgeous day!

February 23, 2014
So many people called to wish me good luck for my surgery tomorrow.
Where did the strength come from? How was I  able to take in all the information without feeling scared? I really don't know. I was very surprised myself. Maybe the prayers gave me the the optimism that I need to get over this hurdle.

February 24- 28, 2014--> surgery and sick time; off from school

February 24, 2014
Lumpectomy and Sentinel Node Biopsy
We arrived at the UMass Memorial Hospital on Belmont St at 6:15 AM.
I checked in at the front desk and was led to a cubicle that was all ready to receive a new
patient...me!

After being prepped for the Sentinel Node biopsy dye injections, I was brought downstairs to the Nuclear Medicine Department. I was not forewarned about it. I was not told how it was going to be done.The technician prepared me for the procedure before the doctor came. When she did, the doctor was kind of apologetic for the pain that she was going to inflict on me- 5 injections. She told me that she will do a 2-2-1 injection. 

As the first two injects were administered, the doctor told me to hold my breath deeply and then release slowly. That reminded me of the JESUS PRAYER. I tried to say the Jesus Pray; however, what prevented me from doing this is the fact that the injections were very painful. I had a second round of 2 more shots. At this time, I tried to say the Jesus Prayer once again but like the first, the pain was intense. I could feel tears flowing down my cheeks as I said the prayer. The last injection,  I thought was going to be easy and fast. The saying small but terrible was how I thought it was gong to be. However from the time the doctor pressed the needle, the pain was the worst. I screamed so hard. I held on to the technician's hand so forcefully; I hope I did not break her bones. 

For one brief moment, I felt self-pity. Why do I have to go through the pain and interventions? The Jesus Prayer helped me snap out of this negative mood.

I was brought back to the surgical unit where they started an IV line. I waited for about an hour to give time for the dye to flow into the lymph nodes. At 9:50 AM, I was brought to the operating room, the anesthesiologist introduced himself, gave me a sedative, made me count to 20 and the next thing I knew, I was in recovery room. 

February 25, 2014
Thank God, I do not have to go to school. I am weak, uncomfortable and unmotivated. Marianne stepped up to the plate and created delicious meals. Barbara, being in college could only stay for the weekend and the day of surgery. She had to go back to school.

March 3, 2014
First day back to school after thirteen days off. I was touched by the cards that our students made for me. In the afternoon, I went down to the faculty lounge, where I noticed that our principal also had a card for me. It made my day.

March 4, 2014
During our Department meeting, our supervisor described me as being "super human."
I was trying very hard to be back to "my normal."


March 5, 2012
Follow up appointment with the oncology surgeon. Feeling better each day. I have a full range of motion of my left arm. What a great assurance to be told that I am cancer-free.

March 22, 2014
Metropolis of Boston Sisterhood of Presvyteres Retreat
I always look forward to seeing my sisters in Christ.
They strengthen me, support me, but most of all, they make me laugh.
After the retreat, it was nice to have Vicki ( a good presvytera-friend from Maine)spend some time at home with us. Good conversation, good laughs, and good company...over Chinese food!   


March 27, 2014
Kerry Pappas asked me from a while back if I could speak to the seminarians' wives at Holy Cross about any topic. I chose "Success through Being Positive and Grateful."
In retrospect, I can see how I have experienced so many trials but through prayers, I was able to overcome obstacles and transform them to blessings.
Before I left HCHC, one question that came up: 
          "How can you speak so positively and upbeat knowing that you are going through a very serious health problem."

          "Only through Faith and the help of family and friends."

April 2, 2014
I had my radiation appointment where I met with the radiology oncologist. He explained what the scanning procedure was going to be like. He also mentioned the different side effects.
There, I listened to him, without ant feelings, just taking all the information in.

I met with radiology oncology technicians, Ray and Kelly. They performed CAT scan and tattooed the area which will be subjected to radiation. Finally, the oncology nurse, Dee and I had a long "conference." Before we started, I asked if I could record our conversation inasmuch as there was so much information to be absorbed. She went over skin care, what products to use. She also talked about the biggest side effect: fatigue.  At the end of the appointment, Dee gave me a hug.
I felt like I was in another world. Can it be true-- I was going for radiation treatments starting tomorrow? for the next 33 weekdays?

Note: Knowing my capabilities, I am skeptical about what they claim as a side effect: fatigue.  

 It is definite, I am having radiation treatment starting tomorrow

April 3, 2014
Day 1/33
My radiation treatment was schedule for 8:15 AM, Mondays to Fridays, for the next 33 weekdays. How do I feel? Scared, yet, optimistic. 

 

 UMass Memorial Marlborough Hospital Cancer Center
 

April 7
Dee, the oncology nurse still finds my blood pressure alarmingly high. Dr. Bornstein, the radiology oncologist believes it is a case of the white coat syndrome. I started drinking ginger tea upon the suggested by my spiritual father, who is well-informed on herbal medicine. My blood sugar was also high. Hmm,these are usually the signs that I was stressed out.

April 21- 25--> Spring Vacation
I am so glad for spring vacation. I did not believe that radiation could cause fatigue. I am so tired that I am unable to stay awake past 8:30 PM. I'd rather sleep than eat. Yet, even ten hours of sleep was not enough to energize me the next day. I have decided to go for an INCOMPLETE for my two graduate courses. I am so tired, mentally and physically.

April 25, 2014
When inspiration comes, there is no way of stopping the flow. Two days ago, I used colored ropes to practice tying knots for prayer ropes.Today, Marianne and I went to the Fabric Basement and got some chords. I chose two colors to do more practice. Eventually, I will do it using one color rat taile cord.

May 1, 2014
I am very tired. I just need to go to sleep. As much as I try to do some academic writing for my courses, I could not do it. My brain is fried. I just find solace in reading Wounded By Love. (St. Porphyrios)
My illness is giving strength in Faith. I cling to God and His promise. He is in control.

May 11, 2014

Mother's Day
I was quite tired and stressed out in the morning. It was very nice of everyone to allow "ME TIME."I spent a quiet afternoon tying the knots to the prayer rope. We had dinner at the Aegean Restaurant, my all time favorite place where i had my usual, baked lamb in brown sauce. Thank you for a wonderful Mother's Day.

 

May 15, 2014 
Weakness is changed to strength...
Turmoil is changed to calmness...
Negative thoughts are changed to positive ones...
through prayers said unceasingly.

 

Monday, May 18, 2014
Day 33/33
I am officially finished with my radiation treatment. Dee told that cell kill will still be happening for at least two weeks. How do I feel?  Relieved that Phase 2 is done. Scared, because I will be starting Phase 3- medical oncology. (May 30) The fear of the unknown, at times, haunts me.
I should allow my strengthened Faith to guide and lift me up. 

O Lord Jesus Christ, Have mercy on me, a sinner.